Sigh. I don’t know where to start or what do I need to ask here even at all.
So, I have joined a new workplace and I just don’t know how to interact with people. Most of the time I don’t feel the energy to interact. But being shutdown feels not very socially acceptable behavior nor I feel it would do any good to me.
First two weeks, I didn’t talk with anyone at all. Only one or two interactions here and there that’s about it. After I did manage to get into small group of employees who’ve joined recently and they allowed me to join their social circle.
At this point, I thought I was gonna be okay and will improve at socialising. But even after a month, I still feel this feeling of being subhuman level at socialising. I feel so different, I feel so not normal. I feel everyone are just better at socialising. They got this nailed down somewhere down their lives but somehow I just missed it.
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t have confidence in my voice either so most of the time I try to end conversations with few words. Idk anything really.
Edit: Wow, I didn’t expect this much reception to this post especially since it was very messy how I explained my problem. But you guys surprised me, haha. Thank you all for your advice. I’m reading every one of your replies! I love this community.
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I’d say you’re fighting the wrong enemy. You think everyone else got a skill you missed, but you’re really just comparing how you feel inside to how they look outside. That’s not a fair fight.
Sun Tzu would say to know the ground and know yourself. The ground is a new workplace, so feeling lost is totally normal. Knowing yourself means knowing you’re quiet, low on energy, and unsure of your voice. That doesn’t make you “subhuman” - it’s just information.
And you’ve also done more than you give yourself credit for. Those two weeks of silence were basically scouting, and then you got into a group of other new hires and stayed in it for a month. That’s not nothing.
The real issue is how you’ve been talking to yourself. Calling yourself subhuman is like a general tearing down his own army before the battle. And cutting conversations short probably teaches you that talking is risky, which is the opposite of what you need.
I’d go small. One short, real conversation a day, mostly with people you already know. Ask a question, listen, and let your voice/confidence get stronger by using it. You don’t need to win everyone over, just get comfortable with a few.
On a related note, perhaps consider that you could be neurodivergent (such as autistic). Neurodivergence is not a weakness - it is a difference in mental structure that can come with both strengths and weaknesses, and if (IF) you are neurodivergent, knowing these things about yourself can help you.
There have already been a lot of good tips here. That’s why I’d like to add one more thought that goes in a completely different direction: Your problem might indicate a strong autistic trait. Do some research, observe yourself to see if you notice any others, and have a professional evaluate you if your suspicions are confirmed.
play pretend.
seriously. stop being you, be someone else. look at how other people interact and pretend to be like that.
it works. most people aren’t that sophisticated, they just want you to be mirror and approve of them, and they will like you if you do that. most social interaction is petty and shallow stuff, and you have to learn to embrace it if you want to be good at socializing.
Yeah this is for sure a good situation for “fake it till you make it.”
Just say hi to everyone when you see them. Once a day talk to a different person for awhile, you will find out who is more friendly. I’m not naturally social or outgoing and I’m at at ease with that, but people can interpret it as unfriendly, so I try to communicate the way each person likes, to some extent. It may not come naturally to you but YOU ARE NOT ALONE in that. We just learned by practicing.
Also it can be good to learn to remember peoples names, some people get really offended if you forget their name 😅
This is less advice for at work and more just life advice in general: dress better.
I hate it because my go-to comfort clothing signals to people that I don’t want to be interacted with. But if I dress up just a teeny tiny bit, even in a very casual, low-effort way, suddenly people smile at me, make jokes to me spontaneously, give me random compliments and have more patience with me when I’m talking.
Clothes change the difficulty level of people/socialization. It makes sense but it’s also so opposed to how I’m wired. I still struggle with it.
Dressing nice is easy, cheap and comfortable. If one’s idea of “nice” doesn’t fit any of those three things, they’re doing it wrong.
Cheap and comfortable at least. Easy only after you figure out what suits your figure and style. At which point I think I’d even add “fun”.
every now and then i look at this cap like the green goblin mask
Just remember that most people just wanna be entertained and talk about themselves. Ask regular questions that you wish someone would ask you, and you solve both of the challenges.
If you say or do something stupid, acknowledge it and move on with the rest of the day.
Follow through. If you say you will check out a book /show/movie/ band…actually do it, and be honest about what you think, it will give you something to talk about.
Try to have a question and a compliment on standby for everyone you see regularly. You might need to devote a few minutes to this daily but it’ll be worth it.
Never expect anyone to do anything for you and you won’t resent them when the inevitably don’t do anything for you. The people that actually do things for you despite your lack of expectation, probably genuinely like you and want to be around you.
Don’t apologize about everything you do but be sincere if you do apologize and then CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR.
Just remember that most people just wanna be entertained and talk about themselves.
I think this is a pretty negative perspective. Reframe it in your mind a little.
People aren’t looking for you to entertain them like a dancing monkey. We just enjoy new experiences, learning new things, and having novel interactions with others.
Most people also generally don’t want to just talk about themselves, but we do like when people have a genuine interest in us.
Just listen and ask questions.
I do that if a person wants to have a conversation with me. But real problem comes when they don’t initiate a conversation or when more people are involved.
When more people get involved I just shutdown, I only listen and barely add anything to the conversation.
When a person I know comes around me and doesn’t initiate, I feel awkward I just don’t say anything and ignore them which I feel is giving off a very rude image to them, but I can’t help. “I’m not the extrovert between us why don’t you initiate :(” is only thing I think of there.
Try to allow yourself to be genuinely curious about the other person, and to show them that, and ask questions about what you’re curious about. Social interactions are about both the listener and the talker and if you can allow yourself to be vulnerable and share what you are actually feeling it really helps, but it also helps to be interested in them and what they are feeling and thinking. So trying to be curious is often a good go to.
I dunno i don’t have all the context but I think you’re too hard on yourself. That’s a pretty typical interaction between two introverts standing around the kettle or something.
